Closed heart
by CLAMP-yuuko
Summary: SPOILER for chapitre 130 What will Fay do with his feelings towards the one he care for the most? KuroxFay
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I do not own Tsubasa, they belong respectively to the amazing CLAMP.**

Closed heart

So cold I am. The moment I should have shown my true feelings, I showed the one who I care for the most nothing but emptiness.

_I knew I shouldn't have done it, but I did it anyways. It was so strong, so overwhelming, it overpowered me and I surrended to the feeling. I took him closer, closer to my heart, yet I kept him out. I wanted to keep him close but still far away. I wanted someone to warm my closed off heart._

_The coming days will be long and painful. To watch his eyes on me will make my heart hurt, but still I can't let myself forgive him. I just can't; I have to stay cold and closed off to those who care. I know now that they where in pain when I was hurt. I am still hurt, but they won't know. I won't let them know. I won't let him know most of all, cause then his feelings will become mine._

Fay looked at the witch on the screen that hovered in the air, its source the sleeping manju in his lap. Sakura was out there alone, risking her life for what could only be to get Yuukos payment for keeping him alive. This had been his chance to die, his chance to leave it all. He had been so ready, so ready to leave this life and move on. But still he had not been at peace. His feelings had burned inside his chest, screaming for him to live. Screaming for him to not end what was started. He had tried to close the feeling inside himself, like he had done with all other feelings, but with this particular one he had failed, until now. One of the feelings had grown so strong. He had let it grow, he couldn't stop it. So strong, he didn't have control over the warming feeling from his heart, uttered by words. Words of love and strong feelings. Nicknames given to the one he cared for the most.

"We have to see if she is safe. We have to look for her!" Fay said, is voice a little higher than usual, his heart aching inside his chest.

"She's fine," Yuuko said, a small smile spreading across her saddened face. "She is returning soon."

Fay tried to relax, but couldn't, to many things where happening in the same time, his usually calm mind, hurting with thoughts, thoughts that made him hurt when they crossed his mind, and hundreds more lingered further back ready to be unleashed when the old one was tired off harassing him. Torturing his soul with things that did matter. Things that where best to deal with, but he didn't dare. I guess I am a coward, the wizard muttered, seating himself on the cold ground.

Kurogane was no where to be seen, every time a shadow passed in his eye sight, Fay flinched a little, a smile half way pasted on his face. But it wasn't ever him, just some other insignificant man hustling through the building. He lay backwards on the cold cement floor, ignoring the little stones making their way into his back. Psychical pain didn't reach his mind, because it was already tortured by the mental ones. He closed his eyes unaware of the one that seconds later stood looming over him. The one standing studied his face, marked by the recent happenings, his only eye moving slightly under his eyelid. The man standing seated himself by the wizard. He picked up a blanket from the floor and swiftly laid it on top of the magician. The magician opened his eye, unprepared for whom he was now looking at.

Kurogane looked into the magician's eye, he didn't know what to say, but something had to be done. He couldn't stand the feeling of Fay hating him. He knew he did, the way he had plastered that fake grin upon his face and said good morning earlier that day, had made his heart cringe with such a pain he hadn't felt in a long time. Not since the time where he had once lost the ones he loved the most. The one making what he thought was a never-ending feeling of sadness go away, was walking away from him too, walking a way into darkness and sorrow, a path Kurogane didn't want him to take.

Fay's face filled with surprise suddenly changed into a face of anger. His eyebrows narrowed; his eyes stern. The wizard took a strong hold of the edge of the blanket and tossed it at the ninja, who got hold of it before it landed in his face. Kurogane got on his feet and walked away with quick steps, hiding the fact that he was crying. His heart felt like it had been ripped to pieces, making the pain from the mention of his real name leaving Fay's mouth earlier that very day seem like nothing, despair the only thing present in his aching heart. His life shrunk into something one would throw away when chance came, something you would look at with pitiful eyes, and then leave, knowing that thing would wither and die, leaving this world destroyed and unloved.

The closed off heart opened, the magician tried to shut it, but for no use. It was wide open, it leaked feelings and they materialised into crystal tears leaving his eye, making their way down his pale face like an ever-streaming river of sadness and despair. He cried for those whom he loved, he cried for those who loved him, he cried because of his presence in this world, but most of all for the one he had hurt the most, for the one who didn't know that he loved him.

**A/N: So what do you think? Please review, that would make me so happy! Personally, I think chapitre 130 was the saddest one so far. It made me very sad, and made me want to give Fay a hug (more than usually). It looked like Kurogane would have needed one too. So sad. So I was thinking about the chapitre and how Fay would be towards Kurogane from now on, and got inspired to write this fic. I hope you liked it.**


	2. Chapter 2

Beautiful tears

I have hurt you. I have made your heart ache with a pain I know is one of the greatest. I know because I feel it too, it hurts every time I look at your face, every time I feel your eyes on me. It hurts so much; I wonder how long I would bare to stay this way. How long I can endure this pain life gives me.

_So close, but yet so far away. You are within my reach, but my action has made a wall between us. An unseen wall of feelings, separating two feelings from each other. A wall made of sorrow and despair, a wall not made of glass that can break with the power of a strong fist. This kind of wall can't be broken by any force, but by feelings, important feelings, the most important feeling of them all._

_The bound has broken, it is shattered into little pieces, it lies on the floor, left by those who created it in the depths of those person's hearts. A pitiful thing they are, those broken feelings, there they are left to wither and die, like a symbol of a lost relationship, a lost love. _

_However, I won't forget. The memories once good that has turned into something so painful. They are still important to me. They still are memories of you and what we had together, it's still a symbol of our love. So I'll treasure it, deep within my heart, although it hurts, although it makes me sad, I will keep it, because that is the only thing l have left from those good times. I will treasure it as the most valuable thing deep inside myself, my memories of you; my most important person._

Once they where happy, once there was a smile on all faces, but now there where none. It was as if a dark cloud had wrapped itself around them and darkened the once so enlightened hearts. The once so happy group had become the one of mourning. The once so happy times seemed so far away, unreachable due to the ever ending darkness of pain and suffering.

Sakura came walking into the building, her blood spattered hands tenderly holding around a round object. When she came closer, one could see she held an egg. She looked so determined, but it was easy to see within that, to see the pain. She tried to hide it though, she tried to hide the fact that each step was that of great pain. She had tried to wipe away the blood on her body, but instead it had been smothered out all over her skin making it a dark shade of red. Inside she looked around, first at Mokona, and a little smile appeared on her face, then at Syaoran, she looked at Kurogane and nodded. He had been so nice before she had left; he had made her feel so secure that her search would be successful. Made her feel like she could go through with it and succeed. Then her eyes met Fay, who was standing bare feet on the cold floor.

"Fay-san!" she said and ran towards him. "Are you feeling well?" a worried expression on her bloody face.

"I am fine Sakura-chan, thank you for worrying about me," Fay said smiling. His face then turned serious, and he looked at her wounds. "You are hurt Sakura-chan," his tone of voice filled with sadness.

"I will be fine, they are just some scratches," Sakura said, feeling the pain increase for every word she said. Her face hurt, her legs and arms as well. Her whole body hurt, but she wasn't about to make everyone worry. She would be fine, if everyone else was.

"No they are not some scratches, this is serious," Fay said holding Sakuras hand tenderly. "Go get them treated, please?" Fay looked at her with sad eyes. Sakura felt pain rose in her heart. She knew how Fay felt. She knew how it was when someone risked their life for someone else. Syaoran had done it so many times. He had searched for her feathers, and she didn't know why. The only thing she knew was that it hurt. It hurt to see someone in pain because they wants to help you. So she nodded and smiled.

"But I want to know," she said looking down. "I want to know why Fay-san has an eye patch," Sakura looked into the eye of the magician, she saw that he was surprised, and she knew that he didn't want to tell her. But she had to know, she had to know what happened. She had to know who the evil person that had hurt Fay and brought him this kind of pain was. She had to know.

When Sakura had wandered off to get her wounds treated and Fay was alone yet again, he started walking over to the door that led outside. He didn't come long, before he could hear the sounds of footsteps increasing behind him. He knew who it was. He turned around and were nailed into the stone wall with two strong hands. The stone made a sound by the impact, and the eyes of the ninja was looking straight into his. Fay didn't attempt to get away. It would have been useless, the eyes of the ninja was filled with such a strength he knew that escaping would be very difficult to manage.

"I cant stand this," Kuroganes voice said in a low whisper. "I can't stand you hating me."

Fay looked at the ninja, the ninja looked back. They looked at each other, feelings welling up in both hearts. Fay had managed to keep it all inside himself, hiding his feelings, keeping the ninja away, but now he didn't know how long he could keep his forth up any longer. He didn't know how to react nor to answer the ninja. There was so many things he didn't know yet, and the most important thing he still didn't know was what to do about what he felt towards the one whom now stood in front of him.

"I don't hate you," Fay whispered slowly, trying to avoid Kuroganes eyes, but somehow his eye where drawn back to them, his eyes so warm and sincere, Fay knew that Kurogane had spoken the truth, he had spoken from the very bottom of his heart.

The ninja leaned in closer towards the wizard's face, his breath slow and warm upon his skin. Kurogane brushed away the locks of blond hair covering his face with one hand, the other hand held his head tenderly. Tears welled up in the magician's eye, his vision was blurred, but still he could see him, the one he cared for the most. He had to keep the ninja out of his heart. He had too, there was no other choice. I can't listen to my heart, it will deceive me, what it wants will bring unfortunate and pain to us both in the end. I can't forgive, I mustn't, I have to keep him away…, Fays thoughts was interrupted, by the hand of the ninja, slowly wiping away the crystal tears travelling down his face of sorrow. Repeatedly, with tender movements he wiped away the signs of grief from his face.

"Sorry… Sorry that I am crying," Fay said slowly, his voice braking into silent sobs.

"Don't be," Kurogane said, and continued to wipe away the new tears that materialised in the magician's eye.

"I look pathetic now don't I," Fay said, letting the ninja wipe away the sadness from his face, each touch sending warmth trough his body.

"You look beautiful," Kurogane said in a whisper. "Those tears are real, these feelings are real. You look beautiful."

Fay looked deep within the eyes of the ninja, they where so caring, so lovely, so warm. The look on Kuroganes face sending waves of joy through his mind, easing the pain that had been torturing him from the very start, his hand supporting his head, so steady and firm. He wasn't only holding his head up into the light, he was holding his soul so he wouldn't fall deep within desperation and grief. He held him so tenderly, but yet so firm, his touch one of the most loving things Fay had ever felt in his before so miserable life. Kurogane was so warm and caring, he was the greatest person he had ever known. He was his most precious person.

Kurogane bent forwards his mouth almost touching Fay's, his eyes fixed upon the magician.

"I love you," Kurogane said, leaning closer, his lips sealing Fay's in an instant. Fay embraced the kiss, feeling the warmth of the ninja spreading inside his body, it opened up his heart, and out came streaming his own feelings towards the one kissing him. His feelings that had been suppressed for so long, closed away to never be opened again, they made their way from the heart to his mind, and so Fay kissed back, his lips pressed tenderly against the ninja's. Each moment would be treasured forever, and Fay didn't want it to end, he kissed Kurogane, and Kurogane kissed him back. They where complete, the one fulfilling the other, their feelings materialising into tender kisses, both persons enjoying their life at the fullest. For once Fay felt completely at peace, as long as he was with the one whom he loved he would be safe, he would be loved, he didn't have to be afraid anymore. His heart was open, and in came the feelings of his most precious person, the one he loved the most.

**A/N: So what do you think? Thanks for the reviews so far, they make me so happy, so please review more!**


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